Family!!!!!

So families are a really strange concept. You are born into a flock of random humans and most are thought that your family is the most important thing in life and you need to love them no matter what happens. But what happens if you really really don’t like some people in your family or someone in your family are abusive? If one do this like me and cut that person or persons out of your life some in the rest of the family comments and make you feel bad for trying to take care of yourself. I actually feel like a weakling because I cut one family member out of my life because of what I feel like was mental abuse.  I actually did not bother to get mad or cut the person out of my life before a comment “it was because of your mother your father killed himself!” that is not something you tell a teen with only a mother in their life. And to threaten a teen with social services because the mother did not wake up every morning to make breakfast for a teen that can fucking make food themselves, or that the mother could not stop the teen from smoking or that the mother actually always came to help if that teen got drunk to get home without walking 7km alone in the dark. I’m sorry that the mom did her fucking best with a depressed, hallucinating and hormonal teen in the best way possible. The teen NEVER ever did drugs, never got arrested or hurt worst than a bum knee because of being fucking clumsy in the stairs and on ice in winter times. As if the old family member could do anything better with the teen.  Sometimes I can actually look at some family members and in my head pops “it really is no wonder I’m fucking crazy, look where I got my genes!”
In my mind. Nope I am empty in my mind suddenly. It just went poof, nothing. Maybe I should go to bed, but I feel kind of hungry. But I don’t know what I want to eat.

I’ve now eaten and slept so I’m back in the game. Hah, nope just kidding. But I do have something on my mind. I started to think about this family thing again and I suddenly remembered something I believe I heard in school many years ago, that back in the day families used to live several generations together in one house. Maybe as many as four generations, I may sometimes want to live in the times before but I struggle with living with just my mom. Imagine if I had to live with even more of my family members, I would be even crazier than I am now. But the good thing about being more than two people living together is that it is more likely there will be dinner every day. We don’t have dinner every day, I think we have dinner maybe two times a month if we really want, but mom works a lot and I am too damned lazy and picky to make dinner. And for the record, real dinner does not HAVE to have potatoes, seriously, potatoes are pointless lumps of fiber with no real taste if you just cook it. Not every meal need to have those things to be real dinner. And what is with this whole you need to eat healthy and regular and blah, no food is healthy really and no food is bad really it’s just how much of it you eat. I know I have a bad bad diet, but I don’t want to watch what I eat all the time or stop eating something because it is better to eat something else. I am going to eat what I want when I remember I want it. And isn’t it my problem if I have a bad diet? Why is it that the ones that say they love you wanting you to change things about yourself? You need to eat other food, don’t drink so much soda, stop smoking, stop being so angry and sad all the time, stop being selfish, start thinking more of what is good for you, start to work out, stop reading so much, you watch too much TV, you are too paranoid, do something with your life, get help, do what I think is best, don’t do this don’t do that, don’t think like that and for goddess sake tidy up. No matter what you do someone will bitch about it and no one will be happy. I have a really dark mind that I try to hold under control but it is damned hard when no matter how much I try someone finds something about me or my personality to complain about. I have a crazy ass family but they are mine and I love most of them and I will do much to protect and help them. But as I said most of them. My mom really is great, but in a way we are too similar and too unlike each other. We are both damned stubborn and sometimes her opinions are just plain stupid or pointless. I guess she feels the same of my opinions. Wow, got an acute depression now. The world is a really big place and we are so small. I don’t believe I will ever get out of this crazy mind field I have going on and even if I did, what difference would it do? In about fifty years there will be no one around to remember I even existed on this planet. Nothing I can ever do will change the fact that we are too small to make an impact to this world. Well if I manage to start a new world war I will be remembered but I really don’t thing I am that stupid. I do want to do something with my life but I don’t know what. I have too many interests to settle for one career and too little patient to do a job I don’t feel committed to. So what am I supposed to do? People expect that I soon get a job and what they say is a life but I don’t want to just do something just to have done it I want to do something I love and I rather the work I do don’t make me have to be near people. I really don’t like people. But the thing is, if I want a job I need to finish school which means I need to take tests and talk in front of people but I can’t do that, even the thought makes me sick and dizzy. And then what? What should I decide to do as a living after school? I love books, I love the library but I don’t know how to write a book and I am starting to get mad at the library for letting technology to take over the most important part of going to the library. So that’s out. I love history but if I graduate in something with history I don’t even know of another job other than a teacher and I cannot be an authority figure for anyone under twenty. That’s out then. Science is exiting, learning how stuff works and how to make it work better or how the body manages to keep itself alive without you thinking of it is just remarkable. And now I have managed to blank out my head again. Damn I have no idea where I was thinking.  Oh, I wanted to be a therapist before I found out how many years of school that would have taken. Sometimes I wish my mind worked differently so I actually managed going to school and not over thinking every single thing that popped in to my mind. Wish I could just be even just semi normal sometimes. But no, my mind is a maze of useless stuff with a tendency for the dark and macabre. Ooh, time for food and The Glades