A little taste of sound crazy.

Why do we always take little thing for granted? In the moment the small stuff happens we don’t see the big part of your life it really is, it’s just a part of the day to day stuff. But after a while you can suddenly sit there and look back at the past and the people of the past and remember best the small mostly insignificant details and realize that was the biggest clues left there to show how much it really meant. Like a smile for a person when you didn’t even know you needed a smile or even a random statement from a friend that made no fucking sense at the times they blurted it out that made you know that they actually cared and knew you for you. So that one friend blurting out nonsense when you were in a deep discussion was really fucking annoying at the time was actually trying to calm you down and make you think clearly without saying “shut up moron you are now officially discussing with yourself”
I may not like people but there are a few I need to talk to over the phone when my mind goes all Willy Wonka on me. I should really underline the phone part because even though I love the idiots they can be seriously annoying to be in the same room as, it’s not them actually that is the problem more my head being all kinds of fucked up. They are still people and they make all kinds of humany noises that I know they can’t help making and I know even I make, but I really hate sounds of people. I even make a conscious effort to make as little noise as possible, if I hear myself breath to loud I try to stop. Not stop breathing but making a sound as I do. I have no idea why it bothers me so damn much but it does, and it bothers me so much at times that I want to hurt the place the noise comes form and then run far far away from it. I try to ignore the sounds; I try not to get angry for something so damned insignificant that every human had to do. But it drills in to my brain and keeps digging in until I’m almost ready to destroy my own hearing just to escape. It bothers me that it bothers me so much. If I’m in a room with people for more than 15 minutes without having the possibility to find an outlet for my frustration I have a tendency to not being able to focus on anything other than the sounds and my frustration at the sounds and my frustration over the frustration. It goes in an agonizing, mind numbing circle that I never seem to be able to break. It’s not their fault that the make sounds, it’s just a part of being a human and still I’m thinking about throwing them out a window or sticking something sharp in my ears. I feel horrible at times for thinking this way but other times I just don’t care anymore. I’ve dealt with this my whole life, I’ve never ever liked being in the same room as other people and I don’t think that will ever change as long as I have working ears in my head. And the strange part, I love music and watching TV. Gary Moore is still the best fucking guitar player I’ve ever heard. I feel so lost in the sea of humans, expectations and sounds from every angle. Everyone has an opinion on what should be done, how it is done, where it’s done and when it’s done. There is no room for your own opinion and usually no one gives a damn about what you think. I know I’m fucked up in the head but I am not stupid and I know what I feel and believe. You’d never think I was over 13 if we went on what I do just to make people around me to just shut up and leave me alone. I go to therapy and shit like that because it keeps my family of my back, the government will stop helping me money wise if I stop therapy and I won’t have anything or anyone to bitch to if I stop. I never thought therapy would help, and then I did think it could and now I’m back to the thought that this therapy thing gives me and my family false hope about me getting better. Sometime I wish I could get less crazy but then I realize that the crazy is me and it is who I am and it is about time I try to just be content with it and try to make the best out of it. I will never be “normal” and I don’t want to be.
I hate people; I am being completely honest about that. I thing we humans are disgusting horrible beings and I don’t want to be near any if I have a choice. And I have tried telling this to some people but they say “it’s just a faze” or “that’s not true” or anything they can think of really because so many can’t or won’t see it the way I do. I do like the person in the human package. The personalities of the people around me I love it only becomes a problem when I’m in the same room as them and then it becomes a problem not because of who they are just the fact that they are people.

Arg. Now the sound from the clock is about to make me go bat shit so I know I now need to go to bed and but on some random shit to watch until I sleep. I have really messed up my sleep rhythm lately but why the fuck not? It’s not like I even like being awake when it’s daytime, never liked having a normal sleeping pattern. I find that there is nothing more amazing and beautiful that the night.