Why do we always take little thing for granted? In the moment the small stuff happens we don’t see the big part of your life it really is, it’s just a part of the day to day stuff. But after a while you can suddenly sit there and look back at the past and the people of the past and remember best the small mostly insignificant details and realize that was the biggest clues left there to show how much it really meant. Like a smile for a person when you didn’t even know you needed a smile or even a random statement from a friend that made no fucking sense at the times they blurted it out that made you know that they actually cared and knew you for you. So that one friend blurting out nonsense when you were in a deep discussion was really fucking annoying at the time was actually trying to calm you down and make you think clearly without saying “shut up moron you are now officially discussing with yourself”
I may not like people but there are a few I need to talk to over the phone when my mind goes all Willy Wonka on me. I should really underline the phone part because even though I love the idiots they can be seriously annoying to be in the same room as, it’s not them actually that is the problem more my head being all kinds of fucked up. They are still people and they make all kinds of humany noises that I know they can’t help making and I know even I make, but I really hate sounds of people. I even make a conscious effort to make as little noise as possible, if I hear myself breath to loud I try to stop. Not stop breathing but making a sound as I do. I have no idea why it bothers me so damn much but it does, and it bothers me so much at times that I want to hurt the place the noise comes form and then run far far away from it. I try to ignore the sounds; I try not to get angry for something so damned insignificant that every human had to do. But it drills in to my brain and keeps digging in until I’m almost ready to destroy my own hearing just to escape. It bothers me that it bothers me so much. If I’m in a room with people for more than 15 minutes without having the possibility to find an outlet for my frustration I have a tendency to not being able to focus on anything other than the sounds and my frustration at the sounds and my frustration over the frustration. It goes in an agonizing, mind numbing circle that I never seem to be able to break. It’s not their fault that the make sounds, it’s just a part of being a human and still I’m thinking about throwing them out a window or sticking something sharp in my ears. I feel horrible at times for thinking this way but other times I just don’t care anymore. I’ve dealt with this my whole life, I’ve never ever liked being in the same room as other people and I don’t think that will ever change as long as I have working ears in my head. And the strange part, I love music and watching TV. Gary Moore is still the best fucking guitar player I’ve ever heard. I feel so lost in the sea of humans, expectations and sounds from every angle. Everyone has an opinion on what should be done, how it is done, where it’s done and when it’s done. There is no room for your own opinion and usually no one gives a damn about what you think. I know I’m fucked up in the head but I am not stupid and I know what I feel and believe. You’d never think I was over 13 if we went on what I do just to make people around me to just shut up and leave me alone. I go to therapy and shit like that because it keeps my family of my back, the government will stop helping me money wise if I stop therapy and I won’t have anything or anyone to bitch to if I stop. I never thought therapy would help, and then I did think it could and now I’m back to the thought that this therapy thing gives me and my family false hope about me getting better. Sometime I wish I could get less crazy but then I realize that the crazy is me and it is who I am and it is about time I try to just be content with it and try to make the best out of it. I will never be “normal” and I don’t want to be.
I hate people; I am being completely honest about that. I thing we humans are disgusting horrible beings and I don’t want to be near any if I have a choice. And I have tried telling this to some people but they say “it’s just a faze” or “that’s not true” or anything they can think of really because so many can’t or won’t see it the way I do. I do like the person in the human package. The personalities of the people around me I love it only becomes a problem when I’m in the same room as them and then it becomes a problem not because of who they are just the fact that they are people.

Arg. Now the sound from the clock is about to make me go bat shit so I know I now need to go to bed and but on some random shit to watch until I sleep. I have really messed up my sleep rhythm lately but why the fuck not? It’s not like I even like being awake when it’s daytime, never liked having a normal sleeping pattern. I find that there is nothing more amazing and beautiful that the night.  

Excuse the fuck out of me, but isn’t it way too early for Christmas decoration and crap like that?
I have a fire burning in my veins! Hah, because that dint sound kinky at all. No what I mean is that I have a fiery rage in me. I have these aha moments when I realize this, and seriously I have this aha moment at least once a day, you’d think once in a life time is enough but Nah. Today I got this sudden burst of rage, it was really random but that didn’t stop the rage. When persons around you say to you that you need to take care of yourself you usually just say ok and go on with your day but this time I snapped. Today it was just plain fucking annoying to be told to take care of myself when the topic only was that I felt tired. And why do people feel the need to tell you to take care of yourself? If you breath, have all your limbs and haven’t killed anyone by the time you are in your twenties you have figured out how to fucking take care of yourself. Just because some people think you should eat better or have a better sleep pattern does not mean that it is the way you should live. If you are happy with how you are eating, sleeping and living why change it? Ok, if I got the message from a doctor telling me that if I continue to eat the way I do now I will die in six month I would change it a bit. But why change what I’m happy with? And who is to say that the way I live is not right for me? And what is with the fucking apologies when someone snaps for no good reason? As if you knew that the thing you say is the wrong thing to say at the moment, you are not a mind reader and saying sorry should mean you did something you know was wrong and won’t do again. And don’t say sorry for stuff you know you will do again; it’s just pointless and gives the person you are saying it to hope that you really aren’t that mean, when in fact you are.  
Can we trust other people, even our closest ones? I don’t think so; I know no one can trust me with a secret so how can I trust someone with my secrets? No, you can’t even trust the people you love. What are we supposed to do when the ones we look up to lets you down? There was one person I almost idolized I always talked to that person about stuff that bothered me and what kind of knifes and such was the best ones to buy. I always loved the fact that the person looked out for me and seemed to want to talk and hang out with me. But suddenly I never hear from that person anymore. I try to call or text but I don’t get a response and if I do it seems so cold and distant. I don’t know what to do. Except just try to let it go, but how can one let something that meant so much just go as if it never was anything at all? That person is one of the biggest reasons I am who I am now. Goddess how I hate humans sometimes. If we can’t trust and depend on those we love and have close in our lives than who the fuck can we trust? And what the fuck is it with people always saying they know you and how your mind works? I don’t even know myself so how the fuck can anyone else know me? It annoys me like crazy if I comment on something and someone says that it’s just something I say to get attention and it’s not what I really think. Dude, if it the first thing that popes out of me before I’ve even had the chance to think “oh if I say this then I’ll shock people and get attention” then that is really what I think. Just because it’s not something they think is appropriate or even sane to think or say don’t mean I don’t think or believe it. Jeez. I know I probably won’t kill and torture anyone but I still think and fantasize about it, I know that as long as I don’t go against the law I can think as much as I like. And I don’t say stuff like that out loud to get a reaction I say it because it’s what I think and I sometimes forget how damned sensitive some people are and I blurt it out before it even occurs to me that I really should shut the fuck up. I am not a good or upstanding citizen and I will never ever claim to be one but the way humans work and think now you have to pretend to be one and goddess forbid you ever say something society think is wrong. You learn from a young age what is expected of you when you are with people. You can’t say this and never ever say that. In public we need to pretend to be “normal” and nice and don’t show anything other than a nice happy mood. It is very like the penguins in Madagascar “just smile and wave! Smile and wave!” and that is what we do every time another person is near you. Even to the ones that say they “know” you. They say everything has a place and time. Well, apparently not everything has that, something’s you can never say or do. Who and when was it that decided how the world was supposed to be like. You can do this and think that and don’t stray from how this place is supposed to be. And who decided that we need to kill animals to save them from dying? If that’s not a strange way of thinking I don’t know what is. I am against hunting, but not because I think that we don’t need to eat meat like those weirdoes. If we had to hunt for food purposes I wouldn’t care one bit, but with all the slaughterhouses and farms and the fact that now in these times we can go to the store to buy meat I think it is just wrong to hunt the free living animals. “but the bears are staring to be so many and the lynx comes near our houses and the wolves are in the woods” of course the animals are coming near our houses, we have taken their natural environment from them and built big structures they are curious about and we leave lots of stuff they can eat right outside. We would do the same thing as them if we weren’t at the top of the food chain. Actually who says we are at the top? Humans think we are so damned smart and clever, but damn look at our history and then look at the history of any other animal and tell me who the smartest are! We may have technology and things like that but we actually don’t need it we just have it to make our lives easier. If we didn’t have all the technology I think we would have more peace and live better, but that’s just one persons opinion.   

So families are a really strange concept. You are born into a flock of random humans and most are thought that your family is the most important thing in life and you need to love them no matter what happens. But what happens if you really really don’t like some people in your family or someone in your family are abusive? If one do this like me and cut that person or persons out of your life some in the rest of the family comments and make you feel bad for trying to take care of yourself. I actually feel like a weakling because I cut one family member out of my life because of what I feel like was mental abuse.  I actually did not bother to get mad or cut the person out of my life before a comment “it was because of your mother your father killed himself!” that is not something you tell a teen with only a mother in their life. And to threaten a teen with social services because the mother did not wake up every morning to make breakfast for a teen that can fucking make food themselves, or that the mother could not stop the teen from smoking or that the mother actually always came to help if that teen got drunk to get home without walking 7km alone in the dark. I’m sorry that the mom did her fucking best with a depressed, hallucinating and hormonal teen in the best way possible. The teen NEVER ever did drugs, never got arrested or hurt worst than a bum knee because of being fucking clumsy in the stairs and on ice in winter times. As if the old family member could do anything better with the teen.  Sometimes I can actually look at some family members and in my head pops “it really is no wonder I’m fucking crazy, look where I got my genes!”
In my mind. Nope I am empty in my mind suddenly. It just went poof, nothing. Maybe I should go to bed, but I feel kind of hungry. But I don’t know what I want to eat.

I’ve now eaten and slept so I’m back in the game. Hah, nope just kidding. But I do have something on my mind. I started to think about this family thing again and I suddenly remembered something I believe I heard in school many years ago, that back in the day families used to live several generations together in one house. Maybe as many as four generations, I may sometimes want to live in the times before but I struggle with living with just my mom. Imagine if I had to live with even more of my family members, I would be even crazier than I am now. But the good thing about being more than two people living together is that it is more likely there will be dinner every day. We don’t have dinner every day, I think we have dinner maybe two times a month if we really want, but mom works a lot and I am too damned lazy and picky to make dinner. And for the record, real dinner does not HAVE to have potatoes, seriously, potatoes are pointless lumps of fiber with no real taste if you just cook it. Not every meal need to have those things to be real dinner. And what is with this whole you need to eat healthy and regular and blah, no food is healthy really and no food is bad really it’s just how much of it you eat. I know I have a bad bad diet, but I don’t want to watch what I eat all the time or stop eating something because it is better to eat something else. I am going to eat what I want when I remember I want it. And isn’t it my problem if I have a bad diet? Why is it that the ones that say they love you wanting you to change things about yourself? You need to eat other food, don’t drink so much soda, stop smoking, stop being so angry and sad all the time, stop being selfish, start thinking more of what is good for you, start to work out, stop reading so much, you watch too much TV, you are too paranoid, do something with your life, get help, do what I think is best, don’t do this don’t do that, don’t think like that and for goddess sake tidy up. No matter what you do someone will bitch about it and no one will be happy. I have a really dark mind that I try to hold under control but it is damned hard when no matter how much I try someone finds something about me or my personality to complain about. I have a crazy ass family but they are mine and I love most of them and I will do much to protect and help them. But as I said most of them. My mom really is great, but in a way we are too similar and too unlike each other. We are both damned stubborn and sometimes her opinions are just plain stupid or pointless. I guess she feels the same of my opinions. Wow, got an acute depression now. The world is a really big place and we are so small. I don’t believe I will ever get out of this crazy mind field I have going on and even if I did, what difference would it do? In about fifty years there will be no one around to remember I even existed on this planet. Nothing I can ever do will change the fact that we are too small to make an impact to this world. Well if I manage to start a new world war I will be remembered but I really don’t thing I am that stupid. I do want to do something with my life but I don’t know what. I have too many interests to settle for one career and too little patient to do a job I don’t feel committed to. So what am I supposed to do? People expect that I soon get a job and what they say is a life but I don’t want to just do something just to have done it I want to do something I love and I rather the work I do don’t make me have to be near people. I really don’t like people. But the thing is, if I want a job I need to finish school which means I need to take tests and talk in front of people but I can’t do that, even the thought makes me sick and dizzy. And then what? What should I decide to do as a living after school? I love books, I love the library but I don’t know how to write a book and I am starting to get mad at the library for letting technology to take over the most important part of going to the library. So that’s out. I love history but if I graduate in something with history I don’t even know of another job other than a teacher and I cannot be an authority figure for anyone under twenty. That’s out then. Science is exiting, learning how stuff works and how to make it work better or how the body manages to keep itself alive without you thinking of it is just remarkable. And now I have managed to blank out my head again. Damn I have no idea where I was thinking.  Oh, I wanted to be a therapist before I found out how many years of school that would have taken. Sometimes I wish my mind worked differently so I actually managed going to school and not over thinking every single thing that popped in to my mind. Wish I could just be even just semi normal sometimes. But no, my mind is a maze of useless stuff with a tendency for the dark and macabre. Ooh, time for food and The Glades  

Some people think that a person should have their life figured out by the time they are in their twenties. Some expect women to have found a man to settle down with in their early twenties so they can get their first child fairly early. I don’t think anybody expect much other of men than that they have a job. Men aren’t expected to settle down until their thirties if at all. A single man in his thirties people don’t think much about it, but if you meet a woman in her thirties that has never been married, had a child and is straight you start to wonder about what is wrong with her. And what is the thing grownups do whit the whole telling teenagers they need to find out for the rest of their life. Seriously, teens should not have that pressure on them. How can one expect a sixteen year old to know what they want to be doing for the rest of their life? They nearly don’t know what they are even going to wear when they need to exit the house. The world has so much to offer but one human rarely get to see even one present of it in their life time since we have school from the moment we can walk and when school is over we have a job we have to go to almost every day until the day we die. The life expectancy of the average person may have increased over the years, but what are we doing with those extra years?
I know that it is necessary to work so you have money to live, but should there be at least some amount of time in our lives where we can just really live and experience what the rest of the earth provides us?
All my complaining of having to go to school and work all our lives are more based on the way of thinking that not all have a work place they love and enjoy. If I could have a job that I did not mind waking up at shit it’s early, work that I love then that would really be living. But the work where as you wake up and just don’t even see the point of opening your eyes in the morning and you don’t want to go to sleep in the night because that means you have to go to work sooner than you want. That is just soul crushing and inhumane.

I may not be old but this comment may make me seem old, but damned, what has the world become? A person being nice is so rare that now when someone is nice, people get suspicious. Then thoughts pop into their head, why is she nice? What does he want? What lies behind this nice facade?
We get so suspicious that we don’t trust anyone anymore. But is that so strange though? Look at the news once in a while, its violence, death, robbery and everything bad always, even if they put in some stories about something good it’s usually just a small piece compared to the things we can fear. Oh, a really old-timer comment. Technologies now a day have gone too far. I’m almost sitting here hoping for an EMP to go off over the whole world. I may think this having a computer and phone and TV is great, but if you think about it. No, it is not. All I do is using these things, I don’t need them but it’s not like I have the willpower to get rid of them. Everything is electronic now. A person no longer sits in a comfy chair with a big photo album on the lap to go down memory lane. Everything is now on the internet and I feel like nothing is personal anymore. But there is not much one person can do when the person don’t know how to build a big enough EMP dispersal device.

I wonder what will happen when the world go to hell. Like humanity’s doomsday. There has been a lot of talk about the end of the world but have you actually thought about it? There are so many things that can destroy the world, many we humans made. 

So we all know that mental illness is in this day and age more open for talking about. Well let’s be honest if you have an illness that gives you no choice about whether to work or not, and people asks you why you don’t work and you answer is that you have a mental illness. They aaall give you that look but they would never give that look to a cancer or some other disease or if your physical condition is so you can’t work. I know all of these things are serious and I know that no one would even say some snippy comment about them working. And that is good because seriously if you start bothering people about doing something they can’t do because of something they can’t control it would make you a real peace of crap. But the thing about mental illness is that no one really understands it, because it is in their heads. I’ve actually heard some say, well if you can’t work because of something that is going on in your head why not just stop thinking about this thing and just work?
Well try to not think the word think..
The thing is, most people with mental illness try to fix the problems they have, but it takes time. The thing they need to fix is their whole way of thinking. They have to all the time correct what they them self are thinking. It takes a lot of time and it can give a blinding headache.
The people that have hallucinations without the drug needs to figure out what is real and not and that is not always easy, since some part of the brain do believe that it is there.
Nearly no one takes the mental illnesses seriously.

I admire the people with mental problems that can be open about it and go to work, I also admire those that has somewhat overcome their problems and go out in the world.

A big problem is that most people think that mental illness is something you go to a therapist and talk to that person and after a while you will get rid of the illness. No for some people things aren’t that easy. Some people never get well and rid of the illness they will have it for the rest of their lives and have to cope with always trying to be well in the head.

I don’t think that people know enough about anything really. Things are as they are. You get born, go to kindergarten, go to preschool, go to school, go to high school, go to college, get a job, have a family, make your kids do all that and then die. I know that school is important, I know that. I know working is important but I think the humans have forgotten how to really live, how to have respect, how to be nice and accepting. Because now a day people really don’t care about much at all except money, job and themselves. People wake up do their morning rituals and then off to work to make money so they can buy things they don’t really need. Oh, yes I need to tell you that I am and will always be a hypocrite. An example is a couple working every day to make money to buy a house. Good! The same couple work to pay the bills, food, kitchen stuff, a bed, a shower and all those practical things a house needs. Good. After more working they now go out and buy huh, my head froze. I think I just realized that I’m one of those people that buy crap I don’t really need.
Blah, well. Maybe I find something else to rant about tomorrow or when I remember I have made a blog.