The amazing thing I just realized right now is that in the country i live in now have actually only one school shooting in many years, I know that there is a lot of bullying in the schools so the fact that only one kid took his shotgun to school and tried to shoot someone, wow I just find it incredible. But suicides are quite high actually, can’t seem to find real facts about suicides in students. I know it’s macabre to look these things up but I suddenly started wondering. The thing is there are probably lots of facts out there about this but every single thing you search you get lots and lots about the US, it’s like all other countries have to bury their news to help the US tell theirs to the whole world. Kind of annoying but it’s the way the internet and the world not much you can do about it.   

just realized i want to get married,
too bad i have no one to marry or anything to even resemble something to even come near it even in the long distant future

I’m thinking of doing that. If someone ask a question that one usually are not honest about I have to be completely honest no matter who ask except if my mother ask

I can't find a good answer for a simple question. Why keep going?
I'm starting to get real tired of looking for a reason or answer.
It's not that I really want to die or hurt myself to the point of no return I'm just tired, empty and I don't know how much more I can take.

For some days now I’ve been pondering how the world would be if people actually said what was on their mind even if that thing could hurt another person. But I realized that this will not happen, the urge to not say anything that could make a person sad or hurt is so ingrained in our brains. From we are tiny things just starting to talk our parents always say that if we don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything. Even when it is the truth because that’s not nice or acceptable. It’s been this way for so long that I don’t think anyone have the ability to even be completely 100% honest. And even if that person exists nobody would like him/her because nobody really want the truth if it’s about them self’s. Nobody likes being hurt or called out on our bull crap.

But it would be nice for at least 50% honesty from those around me.

Uh, fond a new song that is on repeat right now. The Lost Boy – from Sons of Anarchy by Greg Holden
 

Why is it that sometime you get so fanatic about a thing that nothing else matters you forget sleep and food? I’m not kidding when I say that if not for the fact that I always need to pee when I smoke I would probably forget that too.

My mom told me not long ago that I use mental terror on her, what actually made me baffled about this was the fact that I had been honest with her about myself and what’s going on in my head. What I learned by that was to keep my mouth shut for a few years still. She still don’t understand what’s really going on.

everyone around me always tell me I’m too paranoid about my technology, like I have 4 passwords to get into my phone and the just to get Facebook or mail up and going. But just a day ago someone in Taiwan tried to log on my Facebook. So am I too paranoid? I don’t think so. No one have complete control over their presence on the internet.

My therapist has said every time I’ve been there that I really need to get my own place. But who would let me rent from them? I don’t have a job. I wouldn’t let me rent from me so why would anyone else?   

I want a speaker tell my story when I'm dead. 

I dont want anymore. 

Haven't the world realized that this body is not ment to do any other exercises other than sex and walking from bed to kitchen?

So this whole thing people say like " if you can just accept all the help offered to you so you can get better" is really starting to annoy me. Better for me or better for them? And what does getting better even mean? I can not believe that I am that damaged that I need to be on medication and go to therapy just because I don't see the world just like everyone else? I just feel lost

So I can't sleep. I know I bitch alot about, well, everything actually but I do really have a good life. I have friends and family that haven't even tried to kill, beat or do anything wrong to me and I have food and shelter and everything I need. I have it better than a lot of people and I have it worse than some and I really believe that if I had the best life in the whole world I would still find something to complain about.